As sympathetic as I am to the capitalist & imperial conditions underlying the #MaleLonelinessEpidemic, the newest coping mechanism too many of you have directed at me will not resolve it.
The last 6-8 weeks I’ve seen an increase in male aggression— both in comment & messaging— that I’ve not dealt with online for years. When I teased you all that “you can shoot your shot at anyone, so long as you know it could fade into the dark” too many of you decided to go the way of the #Manosphere & load your intentions into a proverbial semi-automatic round, rapid fire. I see you, & I hate it. Sit down + take your medicine; it’s time to discuss #WhatNotToDo. For example: bombarding me with “come cry on my shoulder” & “let’s meet personally” when you don’t even know me at all (& let’s be honest: now you’re never going to 🙂↔️) is #CookooForCocoaPuffs crazy.
Though I cannot prove the correlation, it seems directly related to my quiet announcement 📣 of both separation & celibacy, which too many of you delusionally interpreted as “desperate availability”.
Let me make some things crystal clear to you today, for the first & last time:
1. In the 6.5 years of my global sexual journalist career in the digital sphere, I have met exactly one, single human being in possession of a Y chromosome, who —after connecting online— I chose to meet in real life (there were two, but the other has disqualified himself; proof positive why my exception rate is so high 🙃). Luckily, I have exquisite taste, & he is a marvelous human being. So far (& hopefully never), though the years are passing: no regrets 🙌🏽
Other than this outlier, it is standard procedure that I NEVER (& I do mean: not ever) meet men from the WiFi streets in real life. Not from LinkedIn, Meta, for damned sure not X -not even if we work together virtually- & I don’t believe in online dating, so: not at all.
If we happen to find each other at a conference or event: bless the Gods, for they’ve smiled upon you. I will not be meeting you anywhere else on purpose however, particularly not alone, cause that’s not how I roll. There are nearly 24k of you following me on LinkedIn; your odds of being the next exception are 0.0000421941%. Curb your enthusiasm; stop asking. If you’ve even gotten me on ZOOM, DM, or text you’re in the 1%; savor it.
2. My interactions with men are based on safety first, synergy second; being aligned professionally doesn’t yield compatibility personally. More than this, so many of you understand so little about consent— evidenced by my inboxes, where a number of you DM me damned near everyday without bothering to notice I don’t respond— & misinterpret cool, enigmatic retorts for some fantasy of cloaked enthusiasm. If it were safer to be honest with most men, so many of us would be, but in its place we are left with tacit boredom & empty elegies to those who think us being “nice”, is an invitation to be near.
It is not.
3. If you have to ask to: talk to me casually, meet me privately, or interact personally, it’s highly likely I do not want to in the first place. I am not, in any #Multiverse “playing hard to get”. I simply AM hard to get. Not because some NASCAR, F1 version of interpersonal hot pursuit will win my attention or admiration, but because if you had mine, trust me: you’d know already 🙂↕️
If you don’t know for certain whether I think this highly of you [because apparently, I’ve never told you], guess what? Assume you do (know).
4. Do not obtusely misinterpret this as me having a personal, taudry desire towards those male colleagues of mine with whom I am in close contact. Personal admiration and platonic affection aren’t short hand for pending intimacy, nor a #FastPass to f- well, you get me 🫠
5. Since y’all seem hell bent on avoidable confusion: just because I moonlight as a Digital Domme does NOT mean I am yours. Stop trying to get free services by goading me into tussling with you online. You ain’t slick, I’m not stupid & we aren’t doing that. All those desirous of a formal business agreement in that realm must first apply and pass an arduous screening process that many of you could never withstand. Your pitiful digital instigations to fill voids of tension and attention you’ve yet to satisfy are evidence as to why. Instead: you will be #blocked and I will be #blessed 🙂↕️ 🤙🏽
6.Lastly and critically: how have we not grasped, in the year of our Lord 2026, that when you make a cold-call pass at someone to risk further intimacy with you— particularly a STRANGER, with whom you have no prior connection, social foundation, or repore— that REJECTION IS THE DEFAULT SETTING?!
So many of you experience “no” as unworthiness or a rejection of your value or self worth as a man. This translates often to the femme on the other end as entitlement and truly both can be occurring.
However, real life is messier than that.
Regarding romantic invitations, I have in the past said “not now” to men who would later become some of the greatest loves of my life. Not because they ignored my boundaries but because they found ways to heap respect and support upon me within them.
So many no’s to men in my life come with caveats such as
: “… I don’t know you well enough to risk that jump in intimacy yet” or
“I’m super attracted to you but not emotionally available and uncertain if you’ll wait a little while for me to be” or
“I love the idea of this but can’t promise anything by trying; is it worth the risk?”
All of which, in their complexity just needed more time and experience to decide otherwise. What so many men perceive as evisceration of their worthiness is often on a woman’s side, a pensive and necessary risk assessment. Too few men pass that initial test long enough to be safe enough to even consider, let alone creating a foundation where in an parallel universe, it might be safe or inviting to later say yes.
In my life, on both ends (whether the delay came from the femme or masc partner) waiting ALWAYS wins. As is stated in recent books like The Erotic Life and The Intimate Animal, nothing fans the flames of shared, subconscious desire— regardless of how subtle it may begin— like surmountable obstacles with slow burning tension. Do not see delays as a problem but a test: if both of you really like the other person, withstanding delays and detours will cause the interest on both ends to persist. If all it takes to cool their jets is acknowledging skepticism or challenge, true interest never existed to start with. Both of which are excellent revelations on what is worth your continued consideration, investment, persistence and pursuit.
Of course, this is taking into account that a foundational social connection and organic interpersonal chemistry already even exists, which for the vast majority of you pestering me in various ways is pure delusion. So many of you have made up who I am in your heads based off of social media addictions; instead of pursuing who you wish I was, I beg of thee: touch grass before you ever dare to dream to touch ass.
Protecting & promoting the sanctity of sexual health + reproductive outcomes across borders and ethnicities is my specialty. I love all things intimacy, from flirting and sexting, to rainy morning coffee dates, playful, teasing heated debates, and secret, personal inside jokes, but all those hinge upon consent. Too many of you think my general advocacy for decolonizing intimate relationships is a personal invitation to provoke direct connection with me; nothing could be further from the truth. Do yourself a favor and have more respect for my work (plus dignity for your being) and the boundaries of my rights to a private, personal life in your dealings with me. Even if I ever say I’m lonely— and truly: I may at times be— in a world where domestic violence is rampant, men’s rage is unfettered, and as a queer femme, other-gendered partners are available to me, it doesn’t make YOUR lascivious pursuit of me the remedy. If you want to decolonize your relationship habits, start right there.
